
1
I
purchased my airfare so far in advance that it was easy not facing the fact
that it would be me flying to an
island that dangled under the Arctic Circle--
Thoughtlessly,
I went through the formal steps of preparing for a trip: I told friends, I bought a backpack, a
tent, and a sleeping bag. Now, as I
sat at the airport, I was slowly realizing, OH
SHIT, I really have no idea what I am doing!
*****
I slept fine on the flight from
Some time during the flight, I awoke to find
the marrow in my shoulder pulsating.
The pain extended down my arms, into my fingers, and down in to my
ribs. I had this sick feeling that
I was having a heart attack. I was
scared that my trip was already ruined.
I wanted to sleep the pain off so bad.
When
the in-flight meal came, I was quite hungry but sleepy too. So, I involuntarily compromised. I would begin to munch on a
cracker. I would get the cracker to
a nice pulpy state, only to fall asleep before swallowing. A little later, the pain in my arm would
wake me up and I would discover the chewed crackers in my mouth. I would chew a little bit more to
correctly identify that the cracker pulp was ready to swallow. Mmmmm,
that was good. I think that I would
like another cracker…but no sooner would I fall asleep…
This
cycle went on like this all the way until the final decent into
*****
I
should mention at this time that I had received some information about
As
I remembered this hard fact, I realized that I was approaching the Iceland Air
ticket counter. Furthermore, I
noticed the agents looked very Icelandic.
I wondered if I was going to get laid before I even arrived in
*****
Ironically,
as I unsuccessfully tried to have a heterosexual experience with the female
Icelandic ticket agent, I became more aware of the light mannerisms of those
around me who were also waiting to board my same flight. The more I listened and observed, the
more I realized that those also waiting for the Icelandic flight were part of a
gay singing group. Some of their
T-shirts gave it away:
We
sing out!!!
Whoa! Did Hans pull one over me? Was Hans
laughing somewhere at the silly ideas he had planted into my horny brain? Was
Now,
I have no problems with homosexuality, but they weren’t going to hamper
my humping spree in
What
could I expect on the plane, on the island? Did the Iceland Air clerk think that I
was part of the “blue heart” gay choir? Was that why she and I didn’t get
it on?
Soon
it was time to board the plane.
Surely, I would find others of my minority orientation group.
*****
I am at this very
moment, folks, about to board the plane that will leave the country. I am now in line to board…20 more
people, then me. I am about to give
my boarding pass...and…ooo…eee...and closer, YES! I just did it. I just gave the flight attendant my
ticket and am now a helpless foreigner!
Folks,
I am now aboard the plane. Stepping
into the plane was like stepping into
![]()
Great, the people next
to me just asked me if I was part of the touring choir group. Damn it, and
there I was trying to ooze raw sexuality.
I thought I screamed heterosexuality. I was always convinced that cooperative
women could smell my prowess.
Yes, yes, my name is CRAIG DOWNING and I would like to make an official
statement: I am not in the choir.
First, innately by definition--choir--I must be able to sing. And, can I sing? No, and don’t make me show you
that I can’t sing—it would be damaging for all parties involved. Second, even if god did correct my out
of tune and knotted vocal cords, I am very, very heterosexual. I’d
love to show your wife how heterosexual I am. Thank you for your time…
2
I
awoke to bright sunlight and an ocean of clouds. I saw navy blue water
and…land! It was black and
there were no trees. I was landing
in
After landing, I successfully retrieved
my luggage, slipped through customs and bought a bus ticket into the city.
Before
getting on the bus, I went directly outside. I went past the buses. I went past all the cars and
people. I found a parking median
with grass--Icelandic grass. I
grabbed a tuft and stuck it in my mouth, mmm, cold moist Icelandic grass. I then returned and hopped on the
bus. Soon I would infiltrate deeper
into the island.
The
airport bus transported me to the closest major city, actually, the only major
city in
Okay,
hiccup #1: The youth hostel in
I
guess this is where I should have had a contingency plan. So, I called Hans to update him on what
was happening.
Hans had arrived in
*****
Well,
I was going to try to stay at another hostel in a neighboring town. I tagged along with these two middle-aged
fellas from
“Yeah,
my great grandfather came from
Damn
good question Jimmy, because I really don’t know why I'm here. As a kid,
I remembered reading about
“I
liked the pictures?” I offered.
So
we all ended up at another youth hostel together. No sooner did we get to the youth
hostel, than our friend, Optimistic Jimmy, asked the clerk,
“Hey,
do you know my great grandfather Bjorn Magnusson?”
Jesus Jimmy, shut up!
“See,
my great grandfather came from…”
I
was seriously smirking to myself as Jimmy goes on about his Grandpa, but damn
all, it ended up that these proud Icelanders keep records of everyone.
*****
I
called up Hans again and set up a rendezvous at point alpha: Town center. I returned to the city on the same bus
route that took me out of the city.
At first I was feeling very lost and confused, but now I was starting to
feel a little better. It is silly how
just knowing a bus route can make you feel as if you know what you are
doing.
After
riding that “known bus route” for an hour wondering where the damn
“city center” was, and after multiple friendly Icelanders kept
saying “next stop, soon,” I had made at least one complete route on
the bus. I was just going to get
off where it looked metropolitan enough to me.
Now
an hour after I was supposed to have already met Hans, I was only just
arriving. I figured it was too late
and I would just meet Hans back in our hometown of
Then,
in the middle of
Hans
said, “Hello, Craig.”
This
triggered a case of the willies up down my spine.
*****
So
we walked aimlessly around shooting off pictures. There were pictures of me standing next
to a boat, Hans standing next to a boat, now next to an Icelandic sign, and
then in front of a store. Hans
chose to be a part of the cheesy lean-out-and-smile-from-the-stationary-train
picture. I abstained.

After
a while, Hans and I decided to meet the girl that he was hanging out with here
in
We,
23 year old males, made a deal about Linda, “I won’t tell anyone
back home if you don’t tell anyone, deal?” Deal.
*****
Linda
mentioned to Hans that she wished he would speak with more of an American
accent and, even better, with all the Texan flavor he could muster. So, we intellectuals decided that I
should oblige and surprise our Linda, our Icelandic Hostess.
After
hopping around on buses, Hans and I arrived where Linda worked. We approached Linda. And, with the thickest Texan drawl
humanly possible, I introduced myself.
It went something like this,
“Howdy
partner, any lassie that’s a friend of Hans is a friend of mine. Now, I have got me a real hankering for
some BBQ, but this here country don’t have a damn lick of the
stuff…” < I don’t find this funny anymore…just cut
to next paragraph describing this …but not with quote>
About
right there, as I was looking at poor Linda’s soft, young, blank
Icelandic face, Hans erupted laughter through his nose. He effectively snotted all over
himself. Of course, I am an easily
impressed American whose sinus cavity is no stronger than Hans’. So, I too, erupted out all over my
lip. Still blank, young Linda was
starring at two recently met Americans and trying to make sense of this
American behavior. Quickly we
debriefed the situation and immediately ran away.
*****
Later
we were waiting for Linda at her house.
We stuffed ourselves with Icelandic chocolate. We ended up collapsing on her couches
and taking a nap. I was sure my
body had no idea what time it was.
3
Linda was back. I awoke fully rested and charged
up. We decided to go out and find
something to eat. There was this
American-themed pizza joint that had all these crazy pizza names like: The
Woodstock, The Rolling Stones, and, dear god, one was called The Pearl
Harbor! I imagined this
While
we were all sitting by the window just eating our pizza, I started to get this
odd feeling. People walking by were
more than just glancing into the restaurant. No, they were shamelessly staring,
wide-eyed and astonished. The
pedestrians were not staring with disgust, but rather with general
interest. It was as if I had a
broken arm, a black eye, or an obvious scar. Whatever it was, it would catch and
mesmerize the pedestrians walking by our window.
We
left the restaurant. As I walked
around, people continued to gawk.
It was like an old western movie; some new kid walking into town. As the new kid is approaching downtown,
people are whispering while someone runs ahead to tell others. But, now as I was walking, I saw people run in to stores to get the attention
of the store’s occupants.
Then the messenger would proceed to point out the window at innocent
little old me. I would catch the
whole group laughing in a wide mouth chorus.
It
was now approaching evening. Linda
decided to let us see the Icelandic nightlife by ourselves. This nightlife lasted a half-hour as I
realized that my key to my hostel was missing. We ended up needing to go back to
Linda’s place on a bus to look for my key. We had to run to get my keys and then
run back in time to catch the last bus back to my youth hostel.
*****
Wouldn’t
everyone want to sleep now? I mean,
it had only been my first day in
Arriving
at the youth hostel lobby, I found our recently discovered cousins still
talking, Jesus!!!! I head
upstairs.
No one else was asleep. So, I took this time to prepare a very
restful and comfortable bed. I
pulled out my down sleeping bag.
For this great night of slumber, I even put all the down in the down
sleeping bag at the bottom to make it extra comfy for my back. Mmmm,
sleep...sleep...
Of
course, as you can guess, I was not the most excited of travelers in regards to
our friend Optimistic Jimmy. Well,
as much as I would be glad for anyone to sleep as comfortably as me, I would
not make sure that everyone else knew it by snoring as ungodly loud as
possible. Jesus Jimmy! He rattled my bed, my brain, and my deep
sleep. Yet, even though he woke me,
I couldn’t just go and shut him up by jamming my fists up his nasal
passages.
Jimmy’s
snores shook me as he lay deep in sleep. Jimmy was even sleeping in a fetal
position. Jimmy's snoring was as if
he were trying to make as much noise as possible. I then started to wonder if he was
choking. His snoring was just that
bad! Thank god that eventually his
companion, frustrated as I, balled up a sock and threw it at him.
I
awoke many times during the night not knowing what time it was. The sunlight was no longer a reliable
indication of the time. At this
latitude, in the summer, there was sun light pretty much all the time.
I
awoke to find it 10:00am. Both of
my roommates were already shoveling down some oatmeal. So, I, being the conversationalist that
I sometimes can be, started their morning off with a
generic-tourist-on-vacation-morning greeting. I really didn’t want to bring up
anything about the noise quake last night.
“Ah,
what a great night’s rest,” I announced.
Wouldn’t
you know it? My loving friend,
Optimistic Jimmy responded, “Really, I couldn’t fall asleep at all
last night.”
Oh
yeah, right Jimmy. You were the
only one who got any damn sleep.
*****
Icelandic
water smells like poop. The tap
water in
Clean
and ready, I departed. I was going
back to Linda’s house. We had
all decided to head out to the famous Blue Lagoon. Of course, I had forgotten a pair of
swimming trunks, so I was forced into a more sexy option--my boxers. Adding to the sexy element was the fact
that my pee flap did not, and I repeat, did not have a button to keep it
closed. To add even more excitement
to this embarrassment, Hans and Linda had decided to bring along another girl
to witness my potential exposure.
Of all the boxers I had, which one did I get stuck sporting for this adventure? The most all-American boxers I could
find. All they read was,
“This buds for you.”
Woo wee. Hey, hello all you Icelanders! Guess who the dumb-ass American is?
*****

The
Blue Lagoon, to me, was the epitome of
What
a surreal experience this was. I
mean I’d seen pictures of the Blue Lagoon and yet, there I was in the
middle of a 3-D experience at the Blue Lagoon. It was like those old cheesy
children’s stories where a kid falls into a picture book to find
themselves experiencing each picture.
There
I was at a geothermal plant seeing Hans’ head bobbing up and down in this
phosphorus blue water against chunky green mountains.
Wow,
the water really was hot. Supposedly, it gets so hot that people
die. At least one person dies there
every summer. And, I thought the
shower water was stinky. The water
at the lagoon was the smelliest.
After this swimming treat, we went back
to Linda’s House. Tonight we
were really going to experience the Icelandic nightlife.
4

Before
going out, I had moved to the attic of a Guesthouse in the center of
This
was an odd situation because now would be a good time for me to introduce
hiccup #2. It was now Saturday
night, tomorrow was Sunday, and Monday was a national holiday. This would mean that the banks,
one’s lifeline for money, would be closed for two days. This, too, could only be a problem if
one had no foreign currency. One
might need foreign currency to maybe feed oneself, or to pay for a roof over
one’s head. Yes, I had no
money and no access to a bank for 2 days.
Thank the great credit card God.
I could only guess how much my credit card company would charge me for
these foreign exchange of goods. I
would charge $10 here, $15 there, and $20 there for Icelandic pastries. Mmm
good. I was having pastries for
pre-breakfast, breakfast, post-breakfast, lunch, dinner, and post-dinner...pastries, mmmm.
So, I had no hard
currency to pay for my rent at the Guesthouse. Needless to say, I was avoiding my
Guesthouse. I totally felt like
some crack-head with no money to pay my landlady.
This explained why I
had chosen these nights to explore the Icelandic nightlife. Also, the eternal sunlight made it easy
to accomplish this feat.
Icelandic
nightlife, what should I expect?
Same answer applies for what I should expect going to
*****
It
was 12am. Hans and I were ready to
get laid. Very quickly we realized
that this was not going to happen.
Everyone
was attractive, even the hefty ones.
I had stepped into beautiful world.
It was like some kind of GQ set.
Everyone, yes, everyone was in expensive and very stylish clothes. Well, except for me, who was in his
casual wear--jeans and a T-shirt.
It
ends up looking like this: The
13-18 year olds wear jeans and T-shirts.
Whereas, the 19-30 year-olds wear fancy and expensive clothes.
So
what did I look like? Basically, I
looked like an overgrown 23-year-old kid.
Well,
as the night went on, it got worse.
Hefty drunken girls kept hitting on me. Of course, no one I was looking at had
their eyes even 180 degrees in my direction. Yet, hefty drunk girls came a
running.
I
was the hefty-drunk-girl love magnet.
Wow, that magnet was strong.
Once the thick ladies swung past the electromagnetic waves, in the hefty
drunk girls would come and in they would unfortunately stay. When one hefty drunk girl would leave,
another, a team plot I tell you, would shuffle in trying her luck.
Oh
yeah, by the way, it was 5am. It
was light out and no one was going home.
We were in no hurry because Hans had no idea how to get home and the
buses didn’t start running until 7am. Okay, 5:30am the crowd was thinning.
*****
“Icelanders
are very lax with sex,” I
remembered Hans telling me. Okay, I
was feeling the time crunch. It was
time to act. I had to act quickly.
I
saw a target. She was mine. I had ammunition for conversation,
“When
do the buses start?”
Check,
ready, okay, here we go…
As
she briskly walked by, I had just enough time to tap her shoulder and lay it on
her,
“Excuse
me, but what time do the buses start?”
A
genuine question, and here comes her answer,
“
”
Here
is her answer one more time, folks,
“
”
Yep,
she was deaf and mute. Of all girls
I hit on, I ended up picking the damn Helen Keller of
*****
Okay,
it sucked and now I was done. I
wanted to go home-- no, not just to the hotel room, not even back to
*****
Slipping
into the guesthouse at 6am I was glad that no one was awake wondering where
their money was. Slumber was good
--so good that I slept in until 3pm.
5
Now,
I was up and off with Hans and Linda on our first hiking trip in
At
the park, we observed a waterfall.
We arrive at some wishing pool where witches were once drowned. We made some profound wishes like:
I
wished Hans would buy me a suit.
I
wished I were a Ninja.
Blah,
blah, blah.
I
was still recovering from the eventful and uneventful previous night. We were still tired, so, when we got
back I was off to sleep again.
*****
The
next day, we were ready for more outdoor activities. We decided to pick a mountain--any
mountain and climb it. Thank god I
was wearing my mountain gripping sneakers.
So, without water, a plan or good shoes, we were heading up the
mountain.
I was introduced to an old Icelandic
tradition of trickery. Every time I
asked if we were close to the top, other hikers responded as genuinely as all
possible,
"Oh
yes, very soon."
The
view was nice. We took
pictures. In Three and half-hours,
we were up and then back down at the car.
I am getting old so I was off to bed again.
6
Waking
up the next day, I knew the banks were open, yes, and that meant cash. On the way to the bank, I thought about
situations where I was prevented from exchanging my traveler’s
checks. I saw automatic sliding
doors going haywire and mashing my hands leaving me then unable to sign for my
traveler’s checks. And then,
how the bank would not accept my signature made with my pen in my mouth. I saw myself in the middle of nowhere
without any money. Trying to earn
money, I saw myself going to the Icelandic plasma stations. I saw myself in a factory shoveling fish
innards.
Fortunately,
the bank transaction was a success.
“Money,
please...thanks,” I said and left the bank.
I
paid the lady at the guesthouse.
Now, I was off to try the local Youth hostel that didn’t have any
vacancies when I had first arrived.
“Yes
we have rooms. You can put your
bags in the room, but we clean them from 11-4.”
Guess
what time it was. Good, right, you
are catching on; it was 10:55am.
Woo wee. So I dropped off my
bags and went back into town to meet Hans.
*****
We
had an agenda. Today was museum
day. First we were off to the
Reykjavik Museum of Photography.
Damn,
and what an impressive museum it was.
I am surprised it was not internationally recognized. I mean, they had selected not on
quantity but on quality. They
selected the best damn 15 pictures I had ever seen. What an efficient idea this was. There was no need to build a new
separate building for the photography museum either. No, best to save space in this over
crowded island and put this prolific museum as the lobby to a business. Thank god they put a complete coffee
table full of photography books of other museums so visitor’s time
wasn’t wasted. I think people
were quite surprised that not only one, but two, tourists had actually visited
this colossal museum. We stayed a
good two minutes.
We
were now off to the
*****
In
my room at the Youth hostel, I met a Danish guy. This Danish guy had just finished
working on an Icelandic farm for three months. He went on to tell me that he had
learned to communicate with the cows by emulating their snout twitches and
snorting. As impressed as I was, I
could not partake in communicating in this manner.
*****
Here
is a circular argument:
“Why
did you come to
“I
don’t know,” I responded.
“Do
you know any Icelandic?”
“No.”
“So
why did you come to
“I
don’t know.”
“Do
you know any Icelandic?”
"No."
*****
I
napped for a little while. Well, as
much as one can nap with three other people loading and unloading their
gear. Forger it, no sleep now.
Later,
Hans wanted to treat Linda and I to Mexican food. When we arrived at the
restaurant, Hans was having second doubts about treating everyone when each
meal cost $17.
So
we ordered. My food arrived and poof $17 worth of food gone in 2 minutes
flat. Actually, Hans and Linda
could not finish their food, so I ate $25 worth of food in less than three
minutes, mmm.
Hans
and I left Linda as we went for coffee.
Coffee, that was stupid. I
didn’t need anything else to help disrupt my sleep schedule.
Heading
back to the Hostel at 1am I discovered Optimistic Jimmy and his buddy. Good for Optimistic Jimmy, he had found
his old farm and some third or fourth cousins. We exchanged stories. I warned them about the overload of
excitement at the Reykjavik Museum of Photography, and recommended that they
stop by the

(Not
magnified)
These
curtains were to block out something—obviously not sunlight. So, my room was as white as:
Add
to this, that next door, through acoustically transparent cinder blocks, were 8
Asians having some kind of mafia meeting laughing and chuckling. Oh, and in the morning it seemed as if
some young kid had a nightmare and wanted to let everyone know.

That
was an acoustic graph of the scream.
So, I had no real option by then but to get up. I left for a grocery store and bought
some granola cereal. At least, I
assumed it was some kind of granola cereal. After tasting it, I seriously considered
that the label said in Icelandic, BIRD
FOOD, not for human consumption.
Danger: Tastes like shit.
I gagged it down anyway. Off
I went to meet Hans.
7
Today
was a special day for Hans. Today
we were going to hook up with a member from the old band The Sugarcubes. No, it
wasn’t Bjork.
We
were walking down the main drag. It
was 2 hours before we were supposed to meet up with this member of the
Sugarcubes. We heard someone
calling Han’s name from a traffic stop. Of course, it was the previously
mentioned band member. Our host
said hello, and we confirmed our appointment. Later, I was asking Hans where he met
this guy. Hans replied,
“Over
the Internet.”
“So,
this sugarcubes guy has never actually seen you?”
“Never.”
“Wow, it must be
so obvious that we are foreigners that, from his car, he could identify us on a
crowded street.”
So, I responded by
purchasing a hat.
It looked a little like a Viking hat, but it
was made of knitted wool. The hat
was very Scandinavian.

*****
We just ended strolling around until it was
time to meet our guest from the Sugarcubes. He had brought his kid, whose name was
cactus, yes, like the plant:

I don’t know if that is typical in
*****
Boy,
did I sleep! Thanks to Hans, later
that night, a cute receptionist came to wake me up and to inform me that I had
a phone call. No time for dinner,
but thank goodness I had that gourmet bird-food cereal.
So I meet Hans downtown. It was nothing real exciting. We went and got coffee at a place called Café Frank. I do not know if this was in honor of Ann Frank or what. Anyway, we got to talking and drinking coffee and as it got closer to the time for the last bus I did not want to go. I actually was looking forward to walking home--relaxation and tranquillity.